My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
