she woke up with a sticky ear
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
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I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
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LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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