i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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