The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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