I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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