Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
