he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
