Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
