this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
