Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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