Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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