My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
