You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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