the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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