just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
