I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
