I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
That's when you crack a 10am beer
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She's the barista slut.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Randomize
