Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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