Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
