Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
