you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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