gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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