By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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