Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
