literally had 100 drinks last night.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
