Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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