I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
