Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
