:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
