Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
