is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
