jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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