I wish I could teleport
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Hippo gnu deer
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
