Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
