Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
