So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
How external is "for external use only"?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
