I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
