I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
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She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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