Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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