Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
