There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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