I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
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I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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