I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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