i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
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I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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