I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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