you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
