Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
