I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
