I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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