I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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