you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
