Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
