I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
