sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Thank you for not boning my boss.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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