yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
